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Author Topic: Coffee Counter 2018  (Read 4837 times)
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BigAl
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« Reply #100 on: April 2, 2018, 1:11 AM »

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."  - Mark Twain



Love is grand; divorce is twenty grand.
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« Reply #101 on: April 3, 2018, 1:55 AM »

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."  - Moses Hadas



I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving.
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« Reply #102 on: April 4, 2018, 3:03 AM »

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."   - Clarence Darrow


I used to be married.  Now I just lease.
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« Reply #103 on: April 5, 2018, 5:22 AM »

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."  - Winston Churchill


Husbands, like fires, go out if unattended.
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« Reply #104 on: April 6, 2018, 2:49 AM »

"He had delusions of adequacy."  - Walter Kerr


3 wives/polygamy; 2 wives/bigamy; 1 wife/monotony.
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« Reply #105 on: April 7, 2018, 7:06 AM »


PHOTO OF THE WEEK (POTW)
for April 1st to 7th


WINNER!!


"Strummin'"
by printsofwales






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« Reply #106 on: April 8, 2018, 5:13 AM »

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."  - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


NASA scientists were contracted by top men of the NBA to cryogenically preserve basketball great Kareem Abdul Jabaar.  The NBA hoped that in the future they will be able to synthetically reproduce him and sell Kareems to the highest bidder.  It was all very hush-hush and known as Project Ice Kareem Clone.
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« Reply #107 on: April 9, 2018, 3:11 AM »

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."  - Oscar Wilde


The following quotes from accident reports to insurance companies were  published in the Toronto Sun, July 26, 1977.
"A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and  had an accident."
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« Reply #108 on: April 10, 2018, 1:08 AM »

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."  - Mae West


The following quotes from accident reports to insurance companies were  published in the Toronto Sun, July 26, 1977.
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and  headed over the embankment."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint  gave way causing me to have an accident."
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
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« Reply #109 on: April 11, 2018, 3:34 AM »

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"  - Mark Twain


The following quotes from accident reports to insurance companies were  published in the Toronto Sun, July 26, 1977.
"The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit  him."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
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« Reply #110 on: April 12, 2018, 2:36 AM »

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.."  - Forrest Tucker

The following quotes from accident reports to insurance companies were  published in the Toronto Sun, July 26, 1977.
"I saw the slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of  my car."
"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of  its path, when it struck my front end."
"I did not stop at the scene of the accident as I thought I was dead at the  time.  My wife had told me not to be late also."
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« Reply #111 on: April 13, 2018, 1:06 AM »

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."  - Charles, Count Talleyrand


Two fishermen are out on the lake in a boat they had rented at the dock. After an hour or so, they drift over a deep hole and start catching fish faster than they ever had before in their lives.  This goes on for a while until one of them pulls a large piece of chalk out of his tackle box and draws a large "X" in the bottom of the boat.   "What did you do that for?", asks the other one.   "So we can find this spot again!" is the reply.   "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard", says his buddy, "How do you  know we'll get the SAME boat next time?"
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« Reply #112 on: April 14, 2018, 3:53 AM »


PHOTO OF THE WEEK (POTW)
for April 8th to 14th


WINNER!!


"Pairing off"
by Chocky






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« Reply #113 on: April 15, 2018, 1:32 AM »

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'  - Billy Wilder


Classifying technicians; the lower the number, the better.
7   Bill, the village idiot.     
Bill is totally incompetant.  The only reason he is working is because he is
1) married to the boss's ugliest daughter,
2) the boss's son or
3) the son of the boss's boss.
You might as well kiss your computer goodbye once it gets into Bill's hands.

6   Mr. Rent-a-tech.
Mr. Rent-a-tech is the guy who gets contracted out by a company to fix computers. Mr. Rent-a-tech is called in when you live outside of the manufacturer rep's service area. Mr. Rent-a-tech is really Captain Hammer or Pop in disguise.  He's likely never seen a computer like yours before and doesn't even know how to take it apart.  He'll usually spend a few days making your computer unrepairable.  With your luck, the warranty will run out just before he is done with your machine.

5   Captain Hammer
Captain Hammer used to be a mechanic.  Captain Hammer never goes anywhere without his claw hammer.  He uses his trusty hammer to seat expansion cards so they will never come out and to pound in those pesky chips which are trying to unseat themselves.  While clawing out an expansion card or memory chip, he can sometimes remove the slot or chip socket from the motherboard at no extra cost.  He usually finishes off your computer by yanking it off your desk because he snagged his coat on one of the new nails protruding from your case.

4   Pop from Mom and Pop's 'puters
Good old Pop really tries but he really doesn't know a thing about computers.  He jiggles boards around just to see if they are loose while the computer is still powered up.  He'll even pull boards out and reseat them while the machine is running.  Some of the expansion boards in your computer will end up in the wrong slots - 8 bit cards in 32 or 16 bit slots and 16 and 32 bit cards placed in 8 bit slots.

3   Try everything Fred.
Try everything Fred tries everything he can think of which is not related to the problem just in case.  Unfortunately, Fred does not know how to properly re-connect things.  So expect your hard drive to be connected to your floppy controller and your floppy drive connected to your ESDI controller.  He'll even plug things in backwards just because itís easier to plug them in his way.

2   The guy from XT's R Us
This guy knows only a little bit about computers.  He'll low level format your hard drive at a 4:1 interleave factor that will make it slower than a CD-ROM drive.  Basically, he got his training from an institution which advertises on the backs of matchbooks and in Popular Mechanics.  Any replacement ram chips he stuffs into your machine are likely from some old XT.

1   Dr. Fixit.
Dr. Fixit really knows how to fix computers.  Too bad for you he is never around when you need him.  Dr. Fixit, never stays long with the outfit he works at, this is because he usually finds someone who will pay him better for his talents than his current employer.
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« Reply #114 on: April 16, 2018, 12:39 AM »

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.'  - Thomas Brackett Reed


A saintly-looking old fellow was running to catch the bus.  Just as he appeared to be winning the race, the bus driver with a fiendish smirk, pulled way from the curb and the wheels splashed muddy water over the old man.   Softly, the old gentleman murmured, "May his soul find peace."  Still, more softly, he added, "And the sooner the better."
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« Reply #115 on: April 17, 2018, 1:32 AM »

'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'  - Robert Redford


Victor Borge told a friend that he could tell time by his piano.  His friend was incredulous, so Borge volunteered to demonstrate.  He pounded out a crashing march.  Immediately there came a banging on the wall and a shrill voice screamed, "Stop that noise.  Don't you know it's 1:30 in the morning?"
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« Reply #116 on: April 19, 2018, 3:19 AM »

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.'  - Jack E. Leonard


A tramp looking for a handout in a picturesque old English village stopped by a pub bearing the classic name "St. George and the Dragon."   
"Please, Ma'am, could you spare me a bite to eat?" he asked the lady who answered his knock on the kitchen door.   
"A bite to eat?  For a no-good bum, a beggar?  No!" she snapped. "Why don't you work for your living like an honest man?  Go away."   
Halfway down the path the tramp stopped, eyed the words "St George and the Dragon," then turned back and knocked again.  "Now what do you want?" the lady asked angrily.   
"Please, Ma'am, he replied, "If St. George is in too, may I speak with him this time?"
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« Reply #117 on: April 20, 2018, 11:47 AM »

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."  - Groucho Marx


A high-school student asked his father to help him write a composition on how wars start.
"Well, now, let's suppose we got into a quarrel with Canada," the father began.
"That's ridiculous," his mother interrupted. "Why should we quarrel with Canada?"
"That's beside the point," her husband said, "I was merely using an example."
"If you had an ounce of brains you wouldn't make such stupid...", replied the mother.
"Who do you think you're talking to?" shouted the father. "I want to teach my son...."
"YOUR son!" the mother screamed. "I suppose I had nothing to do with his being here. You just found him someplace...."
"Please, folks," the boy pleaded.  "Forget it.  I just figured it out for myself."
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« Reply #118 on: April 21, 2018, 5:57 AM »


PHOTO OF THE WEEK (POTW)
for April 15th to 21st


WINNER!!


"Cliveden Clock"
by BigAl






Click on the photo to go to Alan's album and leave a comment.


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« Reply #119 on: April 22, 2018, 10:46 AM »

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."



Perturbed over the absenteeism of his parishioners at the worship services, a minister handed his secretary some church stationery, a list of ten members who were absent the most often and asked her to write each of them a letter concerning their absence.  Within a few days the minister received a letter from a prominent physician who apologized profusely for having been absent so often.  He enclosed a check for $1000 to cover contributions he would have made had he been present those many times, promised to be there the following Sunday at church service and, further, to be there every Sunday thereafter unless providentially hindered.  The usual complimentary closing with his signature was given.  However, the following note was at the bottom of the page: "P.S. Please tell your secretary there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk."
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